If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
