What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
