he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He better not be in your backpack
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize