I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Randomize
