yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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