i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
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I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
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We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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