I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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