Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
