omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
