I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
