its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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