I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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