She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
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