Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
