I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
