It was confusing and full of hummus
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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