Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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