God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
