My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
