She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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