dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize