i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
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