He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
