i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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