She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
two words...techno handjob
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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