I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
