If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
