Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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