i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
