I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
The beer is more important than you right now.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
