god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The beer is more important than you right now.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
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He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
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My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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