I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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