ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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