Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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