don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
