If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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