I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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