Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
