someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
