Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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