I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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