God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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