How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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