i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
