Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Floor bacon is actually really good
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize