i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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