i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
