I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
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the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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