I wish I could punch you in the face.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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