i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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