They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
BRING THE BAGELS
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
