I molested 6 butterflies tonight
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
