Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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