She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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