god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
