Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
