I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
