Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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