Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would ride that face into the sunset
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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